The Iris
by reno385
Summary: FINISHED! Avalanche rejoins and teams up with a foreign military branch named SeeD to beat a Shinra based organization to finding an old treasure of the Ancients that holds the key to ultimate power. Author notes at the end of Chapter 5 updated.
1. Cidiana Jones

**Disclaimer:** What do I own, you ask? I'll tell you when I get something that's actually mine.

This is my first FF7 fic in awhile. My most recent fic is in FFX-2 and all they're into is romance and stuff like that, not too much humor. So pardon me if the humor in here is a little stale. Also pardon the corny chapter title... like I said, stale humor. Enjoy!

Chapter 1- Cid-iana Jones

"But Red, how can you, a successful envied taking lion, and I, a lonely and easily seduced widow, live together in peace?"

"Dearest Tifa, do not worry! Cloud's untimely death has riddled us all with sorrow, but we shall find a way to live together somehow."

"Oh Red, I love you so much." They kissed warmly. "Oh Red... Oh Red... Red..."

"...Red... Red! Wake up!"

"Hm? Argh!" Red XIII jumped backwards abruptly, skidding along the floor.

"What are you doing exactly?"

"Yuffie, I, um, I was uh, well you see-"

"Don't bother... you having more of those Tifa dreams?"

Red lowered his head in shame. He nodded it subtly.

"Well you've gotta stop sleepwalking and slobbering all over me in your sleep, okay? It's getting annoying."

"I'm sorry."

"Oh..." Yuffie got out of bed and sat on the floor of her room cross-legged. "Come here." She patted her lap. "Oof! Oh boy, you're getting heavy." She scratched him behind the ear softly. "Don't worry about it, okay? How old are you again?"

"49."

"No, your other age."

"Oh, in Cosmo years in 14."

"You poor little baby, you're still just a perverted little teenager."

"What?"

"Well don't worry about it, it's normal for all little boys your age."

"Little boy? Yuffie, I'm more than twice your age."

"Cosmo, Red, Cosmo years. Get with the plan. Anyway let's go get some breakfast, okay? Go wait downstairs until I get dressed."

"Okay."

It was a nice warm afternoon in Cosmo Canyon. The Bugenhagen Observatory was packed full of cheery people. A year or two after the meteor/Sephiroth incident, scientists began to flock to the great Bugenhagen's former home; before he died, he said that he wished the observatory could be used to help the world learn more about outerspace. Soon it was like a university; it was full of the young students, old teachers and, the best part of college, co-ed dorm rooms. The cafeteria was just as packed. When Red went down and get his food, he sat at the normal table with some of his friends from the observatory.

"Morning, guys," he said through a yawn (which really sounded like more of a growl) before he sat down.

"Hey, Red."

"What's up."

"So uh... how's that friend of yours doing here?"

"Yuffie? Oh, she's just fine. I think she's still taking time to adjust, though."

"Is she seeing that Aaron guy?"

"I don't think so... they spend a lot of time together but that's why she came here in the first place, so she could study under him. He used to be a pretty good ninja, you know."

"So is she seeing anyone?"

"I don't know... why are you guys asking these questions?"

Erik, the young dark-haired man sitting next to Red, snorted. "You mean you've never even thought about it?"

"What?"

Canto, an older student sitting across from Red, quiried, "you traveled the world with her but you never even once thought about... her?"

"What do you... oh, you mean that? Well, kind of, but..."

"But..." repeated Jacob, the understudy sitting next to Canto.

"But we're two completely different species! Geez, you weirdos..."

"Hey, guys!" The three boys turned around to see Yuffie, dressed in her normal average attire that she was so fond of. "Can I sit down?"

"Sit next to me!" they all said in unison, scooting to make three spots on the bench. "Um... I'll sit next to Red."

When she sat down with her food, she hit him softly on the shoulder. "Check this out... I got a letter from Cid."

"Really? What's it say?" She handed him the paper.

_Dear ninja chick bimbo,_

_How are you doing? Big rack lady and spiky head guy told me that you moved out and came to study under that famous ninja guy at the Observatory. How's that working out? Anyway my wife and I decided to go to that jungle over by Cosmo Canyon soon to have an exploring vacation.. Why don't you and the freaky lion kid come meet us there? It'll only be a week, we're going there next Tuesday. The Mrs. has been wanting to see you guys for some reason and she keeps talking about it and won't SHUT THE #$& UP ABOUT IT AND SHE JUST KEEPS #$& GOING ON AND ON AND ON AND I JUST WANT TO #$& HER #$& WITH A #$& AND #$&# $&#$&#$&# $&#$&#$ & #$& #$& HANDLEBARS!_

_rsvp_

_you're friend,_

_Cid_

"It would've been better if he had taken the time to learn our names..."

"Don't worry about it," Yuffie waved."So, you think we should go?"

"I don't know. I still have a lot of studying to do here. I'm taking some classes, you know."

"Hmm... well I want to go, but I don't want to go by myself... Cid smells like that odd combination of old people, hopelessness, and sweaty feet."

"I'll go with you!" the three boys again shouted in unison.

"Thanks again, guys, but I'd rather go with Red."

"Hmm... well, okay. I guess I can take a week off school."

"You lucky dog," Canto said.

"Actually I find that offensive."

"Why? Oh, the dog thing. Sorry about that."

"So, would you and me be the only ones out of the old gang going?"

"He didn't mention anyone else... besides, as far as I know, everyone else is like in different parts of the world, right?"

"Yeah, you're right."

"Why, you miss 'em?"

"Sort of... I wonder how their doing now? We're all famous, so they're probably all rich and successful now.

(meanwhile)

"Oh, come on, please take a ticket? Fine, walk away! How about you sir? Fancy a ticket to the fabulous one man show performed by the incredible Cait Sith? No? Okay, how about you, young lady? It's free. You know what, it's better than free. It's negative 15 Gil. I'll actually pay you 15 Gil to come to my show! Please? Someone? Anyone? Oh... come on, Mog, let's take a break."

Cait Sith and Mog sat down in a corner, watching the roller coaster. "You know, Mog, I don't like this at all too much. You know, I really enjoyed it when Shinra sent us over here, to Gold Saucer. I could pretend to be an entertainer well enough, I thought I could do the real thing! But, I guess... that's just not how it works. Don't you yearn for the old things when the old gang and us would go and rip up all those bad guys?"

Mog nodded in affirmation. Cait Sith stood up. "You know what? Screw this, I'm gonna get a real job! You know I've always wanted to be a chyropractor?

Mog jumped back in fear. "Oh, be quiet, plush guts, you don't even have a spine." Cait Sith put on a pensive expression. "You know what? I think I'll go to Gainsborough City!"

Gainsborough City was the successor to Midgar. Named after the well-missed Aeris, it was built on the beach near Midgar and served as a port city to the region, distributing goods to the area which otherwise had little inports, with all the towns being built in-land.

"Let's go to Gainsborough City, Mog! It's a growing city... there are lots of oppurtunities there!"

Mog moved his arms around, speaking in the weird sign language that only Cait Sith could understand.

"What? But... we're best pals, Mog! And poor! What could possibly make you want to stay here? What? Who? Who's this girl? Kathy from the midway games... the balloon popping booth girl? I can't believe you two are serious... well, I'm leaving. I know, I know, but I can't stay here. I need to experience new oppurtunites. Well, I'm not giving in either. So... I guess this is good-bye. Why not? Of course I'm leaving right now. The sooner the better, as soon as I pack my stuff. You're right, I have no stuff. Guess I'm packed, then. Well, I'll be going. Take care. Hope you have a good life with Kathy. I'll write you, OK? Bye."

5 minutes later, Cait Sith was riding down to the mountain in the trolley. The guy sitting across from him recognized him immediately. "Dude, I know you, you're Cait Sith, right?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"Cool, I've seen you on TV. So, where's your butt, dude?"

Cait Sith's eyes began to water. "My butt thought that a girl was more important than me."

"Ah, that's too bad, dude. If my butt ever did that to me, I'd be crushed. I'm glad I'm not you, dude."

"He was like a son to me... the son I never had. I created him, brought him to life..."

"You know, I like my butt too, but what you have seems a bit unhealthy too me. You should go to BLA."

"BLA?"

"Butt lovers anonymous. It's in Gainsborough City, though."

"Oh... how ironic..."

What do you think? Please review. I don't care how many hits I get; I will only make this story a priority if I get reviews. They can be good or bad, I don't care, as long as it shows me that people are interested in my story. I'm not going to make a set number of reviews, but the more I get the more I will work on the story and add in special features (for example, for every 15 reviews I get, I add a bonus chapter, which is, to put in "Final Fantasy terms", my Limit Break, when I unleash my humor powers with a special episode like how Aeris is fitting into Heaven and stuff like that, and if you've read some of my older stories like E! True Hollywood Final Fantasy and The End Again and Again and Again you'd know the kind of humor I'm capable of... heh heh). Well, anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review!


	2. Curiosity Scared the Crap out of the Cat

Chapter 2- Curiosity Scared the Living Crap out of the Cat

Cait Sith coughed as the old bus spit fumes and exhaust into his face. "Wait! Come back! This isn't the right place!" He ran after the bus as hard as he could, but it was no use. He turned around slowly and walked into town. What a dump, he thought to himself. This place is familiar, but why would I come to a place like this? He entered a nearby pub. Inside it was pretty empty; there was a woman behind the counter and a guy sitting in a chair in the corner reading a newspaper. "Excuse me, what's the name of this town?"

"Nibelheim."

"Nibelheim? Oh, so that's why I recognize this old piece of crap place."

"Ahem..." the woman glared.

"Oh, sorry. Thank you, ma'am." Cait Sith pondered. Now who lives here? Cloud and Tifa? No, no, that's not right... Red is at the Canyon, Yuffie's somewhere, who cares... oh yeah! It was Vincent. "Ma'am, could I borrow a phone and a phone book? That is... if you have one."

Smack! "Here you go."

"Thank... (cough)... you." Cait Sith dialed the number for the Nibelheim Mansion. It rang.

"Hi, you've reached the Nibelheim Mansion. This means that you obviously have nothing to do if you're calling my house. I'm either not home or in eternal sleep, leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you in either a day or two, or a decade or two."

Cait Sith sighed, hanging up the phone before leaving a message. "It's hopeless... what time does the bus to the airport come?"

"Three hours."

"Oh, great... bye, then." Cait Sith entered the plaza, which was also the industrial zone, the main plaza, and the housing area. Goes to show how big this town really was. With three hours to spend, he made his way up the steep path to the fabled Nibelheim Mansion. "Hm... Vincent's not done much with the place." Cait Sith was hesitant about entering, but then he saw a mat in front of the door that said, 'Home Sweet Home'. With the sight of this, a benevolent force took over Cait Sith and told him that it'd be all right to go in. So he did so.

"Vincent!" he shouted as he walked through the house. "Vince! Vincy! Vince-a-poo! Vince-alishous! Vincy Vincy bo Bincy! Vin-what the hell!" A hideous creature had just appeared before Cait Sith. It was dark teal blue and had the shape of a man. It had three glowing red eyes and a slimy tongue slithered between rows of long, sharp, jagged teeth. "V-V-V-Vincent?" The reply was a snarl.

"Uh...uh...uh... see you!" Cait Sith turned around and ran away in pure fear.

"Wait! Don't you want some tea! Oh... why do they always run away from me? He's looking for Vincent, right? Better go tell him he's not here. Hey, wait up!"

Unfortunately it's very hard to understand this particular creature because he growled and spit acid with every syllable he spoke. Still, he ran after Cait Sith.

Cait Sith had no idea where to go. He didn't know where the door was, or where he was going. All he knew was he wanted to get as much space between him and the creature.

"Oh no! Dead end!" Cait Sith took some time to notice the room he was in. "Hey... this is a pretty nice bedroom. Why does he sleep in that coffin?" Cait Sith saw an open book on the bed. He was never one to believe the old saying, "curiosity killed the cat". He looked in it.

_June 15_

_Hilda brought news that she finally found it. I'm leaving right away. I can't waste any time in helping her to fight what she calls the Angra Mainyu. I'm not sure that I'll ever get back, but if I don't... I hope someone finds this and learns the truth. The truth about it all. I'm sick of holding a secret like this, it's too much of a burden for any man to handle. I wasn't sure if anyone would come in, so I put that Welcome mat out there. It seems to work wonders, I have people visiting me all the time. Anyway, the truth of it all is tha_

"GET OUT OF THE BOOK!" Cait Sith, startled suddenly, hissed, and jumped back as the book yelled at him, snarling teeth even more menacing than the creature's, snapping it's covers together in smacks. "Ho...ly...CRAP. This house is messed up." The book was suddenly still. But he did not dare go near it.

Then he spoted something on the bedstand. It was beautiful emerald green plant that glowed in the dark room. He touched it. It felt like silk. "Why this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever OH MY GOD!" He thrashed wildly as the plant snatched onto him and feasted on his hand. With a thrust he threw it off and it landed in the corner. "O...kay... I'll just find the door and... leave. I'll just go."

He cautiously left the room, sneaking down the hallway, hearing that creature's snarls on the other side of the mansion. Suddenly he yawned. "Man, am I tired... oh, that plant must've infected me with some sleeping potion..." He yawned again. "I think I'll just go take a rest." He turned another corner to enter another bedroom. It was plain; a regular faded green plant on the dresser, and a queen-sized bed. It was just a normal room. Nothing was going to try to eat him here. He lied down on the bed and driftly... slowly... to sleep...

SNAP! "ARGH! GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!" Of course, the bed snapped in half and began to inhale Cait Sith. "Vincent, I'll get you for this! I'll get you for your literally fatal taste in furniture! Nooooooooooo..."

"Mmm... tastes like chicken."

(meanwhile, in the jungle)

"We're here! We're here!" Red XIII waited eagerly in front of the train doors. "Come on, open up, open up, open up..."

"Welcome to Gongoga Jungle. Please take time to rest and shop for fabulous souvenirs at station." The doors opened. "Yes! Yuffie, come on!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming..." Yuffie, green in her face, stumbled out of the restroom, clutching her stomach. "Alridy... less go."

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, just a little motion sick... nommuch."

"You're slurring..."

"Don't worry aboudda," she waved, "I'll be fine."

"Ninja chick, catch!" A bottle of medicine flew out of nowhere. Yuffie reached out and caught it. Elena and Cid made their way across the platform. "Take a pill," Elena offered, "it cleared up my motion sickness pretty fast."

"Wow... you're right, this does work fast. I'll feel better already!" Yuffie performed some cartwheels in a circle. "Yeah, that's nice... she's a showoff," Cid explained to his wife. "So Red, wassup!"

"What? You know my name?"

"Sure I do. You'd have to be an idiot not to. I only pretend not to know your guys' names because it's fun to mess with you."

"Oh... so, do we have a guide?"

"Yeah, he's young and kind of weird. He's inside buying stuff."

Yuffie retrieved from her pocket some money.

"Yuffie, I thought you said you didn't bring any money."

"Oh, this isn't mine. Anyway I'm gonna go inside and buy something." Yuffie entered the station and made her way towards the souvenirs. She browsed the shelves and spotted a stuffed mog. It was the last one. She walked toward it, and on the same time as she did, a young man put his hand on it.

Yuffie smirked. "Sorry, but, I got here first."

"No, I did." He was about the same age as Yuffie. He was blond and had a weird tattoo on the side of his face. "I think this is mine."

"No, I think it's mine. Why do you want it anyway?"

"It's a gift for my wife. Why do _you_ want it?"

"It's a gift for my friend. So give it!"

"Fine," the man let go, causing Yuffie to tumble backwards. "Why, you son of a chocobo! Get back here!" She sighed. At least the doll wasn't ripped.

After she bought the doll, she went outside. The guide was with the other three. It was the tattoo-face.

"No, not you! This jerk is our guide?"

"What! Look man, I let you have the stupid doll!"

"But you made me fall on my ass! It probably would've been a good gift for your wife anyway since she's probably a blow-up doll."

"Hey you two, shut your #$& mouths! Now let's go, all right?"

"Fine."

"Whatever."

They made their way to a van that they got into. The guide, whose name was Zell, drove the van to a small town in the jungle. It was a very interesting town. The large jungle was very difficult to clear out to build on the land, so to easily build a town in the jungle, it had to be built where there were no trees, and this was only where the water was. So the town of Maru was built on piers over a shining light blue lake.

For safety purposes, vehicles weren't allowed on the actual city. All cars had to be put in a special lot. Besides, there was an intercity transportation system, sort of like a tram. As they left the van and walked towards the tram station, Zell explained some things. "This place is big on tourism because there is a special sediment in the water that gives it short of a shine. At night, the water is like a giant nightlight. It's pretty cool, actually. Also you'd be pretty surprised that a town like this is so stable. It has not once collapsed into the lake. All the wood, that's just a beautification tourist thing. Everything that you can't see is made out of concrete. All the underwater support posts, and all that."

After Zell had showed them where they were staying, they went on their first exploration. Outside the town there was a trail that led deep into the jungle. Zell took them here. "Everyone got bug repellent on? You won't believe the kind of stuff that lives in this place. Well, let's go."

Lots of good and bad things happen in the world every day. They can range anywhere from effecting one person for one second, or effecting all the world forever. But whatever does happen, it all starts with a single action. The events that would occur for the next period of time, would in one instance, be resolved before much harm, while in another, would bring the entire world to its knees. Although alot of decisions and actions would soon decide which of these two occurances would take place, it all ultimately came down to what Elena was about to say to Zell.

"So, Zell, where are you from?"

"Where am I from? Well, I, I' from, uh... whoa! See the mouth on that thing!" A big-mouthed sloth was latched onto a tree next to the path. "That's big even for a sloth, folks. That's just crazy."

And so the fate of the world was sealed. Why was this question so important, and which path would it eventually cause fate to conspire? To find that out, you'll just have to wait.

(meanwhile)

Walking... walking... walking...

Walking... walking... walking...

Walking... walking... crawling...

Crawling... coughing... bleeding...

Bleeding... bleeding... dying...

Dying... playing cards with myself... dying...

What is this place? Cait Sith thought to himself. After he was eaten by the bed, he thought he was dead. But he woke up in the middle of a barren desert. Was this Hell? Didn't he do enough good deeds when he was alive to get into Heaven? Then again, he worked for Shinra for a long time, doing their dirty work. Maybe this was punishment. But then again, it was only criminals that he went after. But, maybe they were just misunderstood heroes like the gang.

Cait Sith's head was racing. But his thoughts were interrupted when he saw it. It was a small camp, but there were people. People! Cait Sith stumbled down a hill, eventually falling and rolling to the bottom. When he sat back up, a woman with goggles was standing over him. "Hey there little guy, where'd you come from? Oh, you poor little kitty... come here." She picked him up, scratching his back. Cait Sith decided that he was too tired to say anything now, and as long as he pretended just to be a simpletant cat, he could get free backrubs. So he relaxed, started purring, and rested his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes and taking the role as the silent observer as he listened to the conversation. Sucker... he thought jovially.

"Nhadala, come look at this!"

"What is it?"

"This kitty came out of nowhere. Look at him, he's so tired."

"What are you talking about? What would a cat be doing in the desert?"

"I don't know. He's almost dead, though."

"Ha ha, you're right. Whatever... go take him inside and feed him some water or something. But work double-haste when to get back out here."

"Now just a second here."

"ARGH!" The woman, terrified, jolted, accidentally throwing Cait Sith. "Ow, lady, that hurt..."

"He... he talks! Oh my god he's talking!"

"What, you've never seen a Sith before?"

"A what?"

"What... kind of place is this anyway?"

Nhadala, and a few spectators, were just as shocked as the woman. "This... is the Bikanel Desert, buddy."

"Never heard of it..."

"Geez, this is weird... first some weird guy in a cape comes, and then a talking cat who... are you some kind of Ronso?"

"What did you say?" Cait Sith's ears perked. "Man in a cape? A red cape?"

"Y-yeah... said he was looking for an... angry man or something."

"Angry man? You mean Angra Mainyu?"

"Yeah, that's it. What about it?"

Cait Sith knew something was going on. He would have to find Vincent. It was his mission.

Please review! New chapter coming soon.


	3. Retardaphobia

Got nothing to say, enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 3- Retardaphobia

The hover sped through the desert. Cait Sith and Nhadala headed for the airport nearby the camp. "So you say you fell into a bed?"

"Yeah."

"And ended up here."

"Yep."

"That's pretty far-fetched, but... then again, you're a talking cat. So who's this Hilda person?"

"The thing is, I don't know. It sounds like Vincent known about this lady for awhile."So, why did everyone look at me funny when I said 'Angra Mainyu'?"

"Well, the thing is, the Angra Mainyu was already defeated."

"By who?"

"The Gullwings, of course."

"The Gullwings? Who are they? A bunch of birds?"

"You really are from far away, aren't you? The Gullwings are a group of sphere hunters who-?"

"Sphere hunters?"

"Yes. See, we have spheres that we record pictures on, sort of. But there are spheres hidden in ruins all over the place. Our world's history is pretty vague, and a sphere could have anything on it that might change history as we know it."

"So the Gullwings are-"

"They're special sphere hunters. See, there was this giant machina called Vegnagun built in the center of the world. It was big enough to destroy the whole world. But the Gullwings went down there and killed it. So, they're sort of famous. Ah, here's the airport."

"Thanks, Nhadala. Where is it that you said Vincent wanted to go?"

"He said he wanted to go to a place called the Calm Lands."

"Do you know where it is?"

"Yeah, just get on this airship here and tell the pilot you want to go to the Calm Lands. From there, you're on your own."

"Okay, thanks."

"Hope you find your friend."

(meanwhile under Gainsborough City)

"Barret, you're sweating everywhere. Is it really that bad?"

"No, it's... it's good, it's just a little... phew... little hot in here."

Tifa patted his shoulder. "I know this is your first time facing your fear but it's good for you."

"Whoa, did you feel that?"

"It justed rocked, Barret, all subways do that, it's nothing to worry about."

"Well, well, well, you've sure come a long way from saving the world," chuckled a man from behind a newspaper. "Who ever would've know the great Barret Wallace was afraid of subway trains."

"Hey buddy you wanna take this outside?"

"We can't, you idiot. We're on a subway."

Tifa stood up. "You got a lot of nerve, dude! Who are you, anyway?"

"Oh you mean you really don't recognize my voice, do you? It's me... Professor Hojo."

They both gasped. "Hojo?" Tifa snatched the newspaper, then they both stepped back in shock. "Sephiroth!"

"Haha, tricked you again." He pulled on his hair, taking off the mask and revealing that he was...

"Aeris!"

"That's right."

"You're voice has really gotten deeper since last time we saw you..."

"Wrong again, you nitwits." He pulled off the mask again.

"Bart Simpson?"

"Eat my shorts, you're wrong again." He pulled off this mask. "It's me, Tifa!"

"Oh for God's sake already!" Tifa pulled off the Tifa mask to reveal Reno.

"Who are you for real?"

"I'm Reno, can't you see?"

"No you're not." Barret grabbed the hair and pulled. And he pulled and he pulled until he ripped a lock of hair right off his head.

"You happy now, you psycho? Now you know it's me, all right!"

Just then the train came to an abrupt stop. "What the hell?"

The intercom rang. "Uh, folks, we're having minor setbacks, if you'll just sit back and relax we'll have this all taken care of in a matter of no time. OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE MY FAMILY EVER AGAIN! OH MY GOD! ...ahem, sorry folks, I seem to have forgotten to turn off the intercom." Click.

Tifa forced a laugh. "A heh, a heh, well Barret look at it this way. It can't get any worse, right?" Just as she finished that sentence, an earthquake shook the train, and the tunnel collapsed, trapping it under tons of rock and cement.

"Um..."

"Now do you know why I'm afraid of the subway? Do you? DO YOU! This is exactly what my dreams are like! If we don't get out of here soon... I'm gonna... go... CRAZY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He waved his gun arm around, scaring the other people in the car.

"Easy there, big guy," Reno said. "Just keep your cool, all right?"

(meanwhile)

Red, Yuffie, Cid, and Elena were waiting in front of their inn when a brown-haired girl approached them. "Are you the Highwinds."

"I'm Cid Highwind."

"I'll be your new guide today. My name's Selphie."

"It's good to meet you Selphie."

Yuffie beamed, shaking her hand. "That other guy was really annoying, I didn't like him one bit."

"Yeah, Zell can be like that sometimes."

"And he said he had a wife... is she real? If she is she's probably really ugly, or has three ears or black rotting teeth or something."

"Hm, well I guess I'll have to check up on my brushing then."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well, I, I, uh, I mean, I, I, I, I... Red?"

"Don't look at me!"

"Elena?"

"I didn't mind Zell at all."

"Don't even try to pin this on me ninja girl." Cid sighed. "Yuffie didn't mean what she said, can we just go now?"

"Okay, but you have to leave him here," she said, scratching Red behind the ear. "No pets allowed."

"I'm not a pet."

Selphie's eyes widened with shock. "Okay... shall... shall we go then?"

For day 3, they were going to explore some Ancient ruins deep... deep... deep in the forest. In 40 minutes, they all got out of the jeep.

"Um, sorry if my driving was a little bad..." Selphie apologized.

Elena, sitting on the ground with her head down, shook her head. "Don't worry about it, dear."

"Oh I can't hold it anymore..." Yuffie threw up a Venus flytrap. They watched the flytrap eat the puke, turn purple, fall down, and die.

Cid was the only one who wasn't sick to his stomach, and was still a bit dizzy. "You done over there, poison puke? Where are we, anyway? I don't see any ruins."

"Sorry, we have to continue on foot, this is as far as the jeep can go." Selphie retrieved a large machete from the back of the jeep and started into the brush, slashing through. "Shall we go?"

About 15 minutes into the expedition, Cid asked, "Do you know where we are?"

"Oh yeah, I do, don't worry. It should only take much longer now. Give or take..."

Yuffie, taking the rear, caught up to Cid. "Don't you think this is a bit suspicious?"

"What is?"

Well, on Tuesday, when Elena asked Zell where he was from, he hesitated and then didn't even answer. And then this Selphie, she's taking us off the trail, deep off the trail."

"...so?"

Red XIII, nearby, overheard them and caught up.

"So isn't this supposed to be an accredited company that you booked your vacation to?"

"Yeah, why?"

Red put in, "I thought that was strange too, if this is a popular attraction, shouldn't they at least make a trail for it?"

"You guys think too much, you know that?"

Yuffie spoke up, copying Elena's question. "So Selphie, where are you from?"

Selphie was silent for a moment, and then said, "I'm from around here."

"See, she's a local."

Red shook his head. "I'm not sure, sounds like she just made that up just now."

Just about then, they came to a clearing. In the middle was a large grey stone temple. "Well, this is it," Selphie said. Near the temple, there were large stone pieces that had fallen and lay strewn around temple sight. They came to a spot near the wall of the massive building. "You guys wait here, I have to make a call." She retrieved a cell phone from her pocket, dialing a number, and walking away, stepping behind some large stone pieces.

Yuffie and Red looked at each other, and then to Cid. "What? What are you thinking?"

Yuffie walked towards the large stone piece that was about fifty yards away, that Selphie was behind. "I'm checking this out."

"Yuffie," Cid called after her. "Yuffie!"

Elena asked, "What's she doing?"

"Being a paranoid idiot." He sighed. "Let her go be a freak if she wants. Oh no not you too, Red!"

But sure enough Red followed her, bounding up to the rock slab that they were concealed behind. They heard Selphie talking.

"...not competely sure about it, though. Yeah... mhm... yeah, so where is it once we go inside? Okay. But are you sure he's the right one? He doesn't seem to me like the one you're thinking of... he's just a poor old guy now."

"Who are you calling old?"

Yuffie and Red both jumped as they turned around to see Cid and Elena behind them. "Shh!" Everything was silent.

"Okay Squall, if you say so. I'll talk to you later then... all right."

They all dashed back to the spot were Selphie told them to wait. As she approached them, they noticed that she did not seem to notice that they were spying on her.

"So, shall we enter?" She began to walk towards the corner. Suddenly, Cid came from behind and grabbed her wrists, immobilizing her. "You've got some explaining to do, little missy."

"What is this!" She thrashed wildly with no prevail. "We heard what you were saying on the phone," Yuffie said in an interrogative tone.

"Calling me old... pfft."

"What did you hear?"

"It sounds like you're planning to do something bad to Cid," Yuffie said, standing face-to-face with Selphie. "You know, I knew it'd come about sooner or later."

"What?"

"Shinra can and will never die. Even when we kill off their whole syndicate, I knew they would regroup somehow. You work for Shinra, don't you? You're an assassin, aren't you?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that!"

"Come to think about it, we got this vacation for free. I won it in a sweepstakes I didn't even know I entered."

"I can explain, I can explain! I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'll explain everything!"

(meanwhile)

The Calm Lands. Boy, was it calm. And the land... lots of land. Just plains and plains stretched as far as the eye could see. What a boring old countryside, Cait thought to himself. He studied the piece of paper the pilot gave him to get to the information booth. He was dropped off in a city called Bevelle. From there he was to go through the Macalania Gate and turn left onto a path. It would lead out onto a platform in the side of a massive cliff where the information booth was held. Of course, it was just a stand set up in the middle of nowhere. But it was Cait's only chance. He approached it. "Hi, I was wondering if you could answer some questions for me."

"Sure, what can I do you for?"

Ugh, it's a hick. "Did a man in a red cape come by here recently?"

"A man in a red cape... sounds like something you'd remember."

"Do you?"

"Not a clue."

"Do you know anyone named Hilda?"

"Hilda... Hilda Bouregarde?"

"I... I guess, why, do you know her?"

"Sorry, don't know anyone by that name."

"Oh... well, thanks anyway." You stupid hick. He began to walk away with no idea what to do next.

"Wait a second!" a voice from behind shouted. He turned around as a man bounded up to him. "I overheard you... this red cape man, what's his name?"

"Vincent, Vincent Valentine."

"I see. Come with me, then. By the way, my name's Clasko."

"Cait Sith. NIce to meet you."

Cait Sith followed him to a nook where a building was built into the cliff. He followed him into a door which opened up to what looked like a house. "He's a very quiet person," Clasko stated. "He seemed a bit suspicious to me at first, but then Lady Yuna came to meet him... rather a friend of Lady Yuna's."

"Lady Yuna? Oh... one of the Gullwings, right? The leader, isn't she?"

"Well, that's what lots of people think. Technically, the leader is her psycho cousin who has a crush on her."

"Her cousin has a crush on her?"

"Yeah, he's a weirdo. All those tattoos... actually he's really got only one tattoo technically, but it cover half his body. He's like a tattoo in himself. Anyway, Vincent said he'd be in the area for awhile, and there's really no place to sleep here, so I offered him a room in my house for free." Cait followed him to a door. He knocked on it. "Hey, someone's here to see you. The name's Cat Sith."

"That's Cait Sith."

Vincent opened the door. Cait's face cracked into a smile, shouting, "Vincy my man, long time no see!"

Vincent's expression was neutral. "How did you get here?" he questioned.

"Your bed ate me."

"What were you doing in the mansion?"

"The welcome mat."

"Yes, the welcome mat... I understand. Okay then, come in. Can you excuse us please, sir?"

Clasko, already scared by what little he had heard, nodded and left.

Inside the room sat two other people. One was a sort of young woman with blonde hair, an orange top, and a green skirt. She had a pair of goggles around her neck likes the ones at the desert camp. The other was a man a little older, with neat brown hair, black clothes, and an expression as cold and neutral as Vincent's. He sat in a chair with his head resting on the handle of a weird-looking sword. A chain attached to the bottom of the sword held a piece of metal that looked like a lion's head.

"Uh... Cait Sith, this is Squall and this is Rikku. Squall, Rikku, this is Cait Sith. Well, we're talking about something important so-"

"Hold on. I read your book about Hilda and the Angra Mainyu. You have some explaining to do."

Vincent thought. "Okay," he said finally. "I'll tell you."

Hope you enjoyed! I'd appreciate it deeply if you reviewed. Will our heroes learn a secret truth? Will Tifa and Barret get out of the subway car? Shouldn't _you_ be asking _me_ these questions? You'll just have to wait.


	4. The Key That Opens Nothing

If the characters seem a bit out of character, sorry. But I haven't played FF7 and 8 in awhile. In fact, the only games I've played recently are FF9 and Crash Bandicoot, but they don't come till la- whoops, I already said too much. Anyway, enjoy!

Chapter 4- The Key That Opens Nothing

"So, Selphie, any reason why we shouldn't teach you a lessson about trying to kill people? It's not nice, you know."

"For the last time I am not an assassin! Look, I'll tell you why I'm here if you let me go, okay?"

They all looked at each other, and then Cid released her. She turned around, facing them all. "Okay, here's how it goes. See, I work for a military organization called SeeD."

"SeeD?" Cait Sith repeated.

Squall nodded. "We basically specialize in undercover missions and the likes. Anyway, we got a call one day about a new mission."

"This mission would be like no other mission," Selphie explained. "We were told that scientists had found that our world borders other ones."

Cait Sith was confused. "So if you go to the edge of the world, you'll go into another?"

Squall shook his head. "No, not really. To get into an opposing world, you must enter one of the many portals scattered throughout ours. Like under Vincent's bed, for one, which consequently ends up in the middle of the Bikanel Desert in this world."

"So, you're from another world?" Yuffie solicited.

"Yeah, that's right. We were told that the balance between the worlds was shifted when a source of large power was neutralized."

"This happened when the Gullwings and I defeated the Angra Mainyu," Rikku said. "Because all that power was destroyed so suddenly, it changed the balance and the universes, well, moved."

Cid popped in another cigarette. "So your and our worlds collided?"

"No, I'm from another world that borders both this one and the Angra Mainyu's."

Lighting his cigarette, Cid asked, "So what's so bad about this shift?"

"Well, these two worlds sort of, well, ran into each other. The absorbed the same space and intook the same energy at the same time..." Selphie shook her head. "I couldn't understand, but long story short, because of all this energy in one spot, it compacted together and formed what we call the Iris."

"The Iris," Vincent put in, "is comprised of pure concentrated energy. If you find a way to unlock its energy, it can be used for great destruction."

"And that is exactly why we sent you on this vacation. The temple right here is supposed to be the spot where this universe collided with the Angra Mainyu's. And so this is where the Iris is. We are supposed to come upon it accidentally in this expidition. If we just told you about it, you'd be suspicious, wouldn't you? And you'd say we were from Shinra, right?"

"I... I guess, yeah..." Cid was sort of guilty.

"But wait, I read in Vincent's journal thing that the Angra Mainyu is still alive."

"We believe that that is the key to unlocking the power of the Iris. The Angra Mainyu weilded so much power that in the tomb far underground that it slept in, it shed power."

"It shed power?"

"Yes. So, if the Iris is in the presence of such power, it might combine with it and make more Angra Mainyus from this unused power energy. Hundreds, maybe thousands of them."

"Man, just one was a pain in the ass," Rikku said. "But thousands... that's the apocalypse."

"Not only that, they'll be released into other dimensions as well, the energy is so great. They say that it would be strong enough to even break through the barriers and melt all the universes together."

"So basically, bad stuff will happen if this Iris is found."

"What about this Hilda? Vincent wrote something about Hilda."

Squall chuckled. "Hilda is an archaeologist who says she comes from the world where the Iris and the theory of a pure energy product were produced. She was one of the scientists who found the placement of these 'inter-worldly' wormholes. They were actually the ones who found the power shift and tipped our researchers about it. Right now she's back in her own world sorting things out there."

The door opened and closed behind them. Cait Sith turned around to find himself looking up the skirt of yet another young blonde. "Why, hello." He expected her to be surprised, but she wasn't. "Oh, is this Red XIII?"

"Quistis, this is Cat Sith."

"That's _Cait _Sith."

"Whatever. And this is Quistis."

Cid shook his head. "All right, all right... but who, exactly, is this that we want to keep the Iris from?"

"Ah... we believe that a cult is after it based on... yeah, you guessed it... former Shinra members." Selphie crossed her arms. "And... the one thing that keeps us from getting it is... well, you."

"Me? Why me?"

"Don't you have a key? A key that you got on your adventures? A ruby key?"

"A ruby key..." Cid put his hand in his pocket and retrieved a red stone shaped like a key. "An old man in Wutai gave it to me."

"And old man..." Yuffie pondered. "That must've been Kuse."

"Coo-say?"

"No, not at all like that."

"But that's exactly how you said it."

"No, it's not, I said Kuse."

"Coo-say."

"No!"

"Just shut up already! Are they always like this?"

Red shook his head. "No, sometimes they have their bad days."

"Anyway, this cult, who is called Bahamut Zephyr, and-"

"Bahamut Zephyr? That's original..."

"Stop interupting me! They know about your friend Vincent and what he's doing. They're looking for him now!"

"Okay," Cait Sith said. "I'm beginning to understand this... just tell me one more thing. Why did Hilda tell only Vincent and why is it that it was planned that only he would go and get to do all this stuff to save the world?"

Vincent sighed. "Well, actually, this is... this is because I-" He was interrupted by a slam heard outside. "You!" It was a woman's voice. "Where is he?"

Poor Clasko was terrified out of his mind. "Wh-who?"

"The man in red, you idiot! We followed one of his friend's here."

Quistis cursed silently, lowering her head.

"I... I... uh... he's-"

"Out of my way!"

They heard a smack, a thud, and approaching footsteps.

"What's this about?" Cait Sith asked. Everyone shushed him. "This is just too confusing, now..."

"Be quiet!"

"I heard a noise from this room, ma'am."

"Go check it out then."

They heard footsteps approach... the door opening...

"It's a closet, you idiot."

"Yeah, but look, Sonny and Cher!"

"What in the hell are they doing here?"

"I don't know. Oh well... I'm in a door opening mood now. I think I'll open this door next to the closet. The doorknob turned...

Before the man knew what had happened, Squall burst out of the room, cutting him down the middle and knocking him over with his gunblade. "You stabbed me! Ugh... you fricking idiot, you're ruining my life! Gosh!"

Squall stared. "Dude, that's like the worst Napoleon Dynamite impersonation I've ever seen..." He looked up. "And you are..."

"You mean you don't know who I am?" The woman smiled. "Your friends know. Remember me, Vincy Wincy? Oh and the cute little kitty wants to die to, hmm?"

"So you're still alive... Scarlet. You always manage, don't you?"

"Of course. Well, long story short, we want the Iris, and we're going to resurrect the Angra Mainyu. And there is nothing you can do about it." She raised her magnum-44.

Vincent, swift to hand and gun, retrieved a rather large pistol from his belt.

"Haha, I hear your a good gunman, but remember I've been handling these things since my father taught me when I was a little girl. Wanna see who's better?"

"Just remember, there's only one of you, Scarlet... but if you kill me, there will still be seven people left who are just as strong as me who can take down Bahamut Zephyr."

"Well, I'd gladly sacrifice myself to knock you off, Vincy Wincy. Or one of your friends..." She moved her pistol to the side, and shot.

"Quistis!"

"Tch... Quistis. What an ugly name."

Vincent snapped the trigger... but nothing came out. "What! I just loaded it, I-"

She held up his rounds. "Remember Vincy Wincy... don't mess with the best. Buh-bye." And with that, she turned around and fled. "Come back here!"

But no one chased after her. They were paying attention to Quistis, who was laying on the floor, clutching her stomach. "Well, Squall, looks like we goofed this time, huh?"

"What are you talking about? It was just a little mistake. Don't worry about it, all right? We'll have you all patched up pretty soon, we'll just-"

"Oh come on, Squall. I'm disappointed in you. I did not train you to teach yourself lies. It was fun, Squall. Give my regards to Rinoa, Zell..." she coughed atrociously. "Irvine and Selphie... okay?"

"But, Quistis... I... but I..."

But it was too late. Her eyes moved to the ceiling and stayed there. They would never move again.

(later)

The sun set at the Calm Lands. Squall, always the seclusive one, sat at the cliff, staring at the endless plains below. He heard footsteps.

"Oh, Vincent."

"Squall... I'm sorry. It's.. it's all my fault."

Squall stood up, facing Vincent. "Why do you say that?"

"Scarlet... I... I don't know how, but I... I let her win. I don't know how she got my ammo... I'm sorry, Squall."

"It's okay." He put a hand on his shoulder. "These things happen. It's what we're trained for in the military. Huh... first time it's happened to someone this close to me."

"Were you two-"

"No, we weren't. But we were close friends for roughly 21 or so years. Don't worry about it. It's not your fault. It's that Scarlet's fault. But we'll get her. You'll see."

"Yes, of course. I consider it my duty to find her and defeat her. For me, and for Quistis."

Squall smirked. "Were you ever in the military?"

"Once. A long... long time ago."

"Well it shows. Come on, it's getting dark. Clasko's letting us stay the night. We're getting up pretty early."

"Where are we going?"

"Well, Selphie and Zell are taking care of retrieval of the Iris in your world. We have prevention of the Iris in this one. Tomorrow we're going to Bikanel Desert."

And as the sun sunk below the horizon and night began to take over, life and the world went on.

The end.

Hey! Have you all forgotten about me? How can this be the end? HELLO! I'M STILL STUCK IN THIS DAMN TRAIN! I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU GUYS DON'T GET ME OUT I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUST THIS CRACKER RENO'S ASS!

So are we, Barret. And say you're sorry to Reno.

Yes, Tifa... sorry.

Better be. I hate crackers. Make my mouth dry.

And I'm a little confused? Isn't this more like the beginning than the end? And how come my husband Cloud hasn't been in the story yet?

Review please! Chapter 5 coming soon.

No! Don't review! Review your plans o' getting me outta this damned train! Hello! HELLO! IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME? HELLO? HELLOOOOOOOOO?


	5. Chapter 3 and 4 Quarters

**Cloud:** Exactly how long are we gonna have to wait here?

**Barret:** Everyone shout with me! Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

**Everyone:** Sequel! Sequel! Sequel!

**Desertman:** Will y'all just SHUT UP! I'm working on it… anyway, uh, I'm not allowed to write script-form stories anymore, I got suspended last time I did that… can somebody do something in past tense please?

**Everyone:** concentrates

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

**Desertman:** annoyed sigh Present tense will do just fine…

**Red XIII:** I can do conditional tense.

Red XIII would kick Cloud in the nuts.

**Cloud: **Oh yeah? Well how about future tense?

Cloud will elbow Red to his knees.

Tifa knocked both Cloud and Red in the face. "Will you two cut it out?" she shouted.

Cid has been, would be, will be, and is kicking all their butts.

**Desertman: **Hmm, not bad… how about we spice things up by throwing in the subjunctive!

Yuffie doubts that the end of this pointless scene will ever come.

**Desertman: **Not bad… now imperative!

"JUST END THIS RETARDED NONSENSE!"

**Desertman:** That… is imperative, yes.

I noticed that people, somewhere, somehow, are _still_ reading this story, after it's been pushed to probably number 2 billion on the list. The hits counter keeps going up, and it's my only story with 2 alerts on it. So, by popular demand, I'm going to be working on the sequel to this story, and improving the first part as well. Hmm… well that's it for now. Come by and check later, then! Until then-

**Reno:** Have a Reno-rific day!

**Desertman:** _glares _No… anyway have a good one and look for updates soon :)


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